 By Mark Patinkin The Providence Journal
March 29, 2005
I came up with a speculative list and decided to devise my own want ads: Job Description: Family-owned entertainment business needs someone used to irregular hours, and even more irregular behavior. Must have strong arms, good grip and ability to work with crowds. Compensation package includes housing in private compound, and having your image regularly featured in television and print media. Also, free concert tickets if client ever resumes performance career. Experience as bouncer a plus. Must be able to maintain confidentiality. Main task involves holding large umbrella to block sun from company's principal asset. Interested parties, please contact Michael Jackson. Job Description: Exceptional opportunity to work with Hollywood couples expecting babies. Candidate must be both creative and indifferent to the long-term psychological health of kids. Strong English-literature background recommended. So is a neurotic need for attention. Goal is to help celebrities come up with extremely odd names for their children, outdoing Julia Roberts, who named her twins Hazel and Phinnaeus. Not to mention Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, who named their kids Rumer, Scout and Tallulah. And Gwyneth Paltrow's begetting Apple. Applicants named Mary, Susan, Steve and the like need not apply. Job Description: Trainers needed to help former star athletes build body mass the old-fashioned way. Contact Major League Baseball. Job Description: Prominent firm looking for public-relations executive willing to bring your A-game to one of the world's most interesting PR challenges. Candidate will work with entitled employer who sometimes ignores advice. Counterintuitively, this is one PR job where success in improving image will rely on "not" alerting the media to any of client group's behavior. Candidate must be savvy enough to advise key client's heir not to party in a Nazi uniform, and to urge client's mother to attend client's upcoming wedding. Competitive pay ranges, respected facilities. Qualified candidates contact British royal family. Job Description: Global transportation companies offering one of the most essential services of our time, looking for executive to continue finding ways to push us to the edge of bankruptcy, which we seem to enjoy. Applicant will be responsible for coming up with 85 different prices for the exact same passenger ticket. Candidate will also be expected to alienate people by penalizing them for changing their travel schedules. Bonus will be paid for ideas on how to make in-flight seats even more uncomfortable and food nonexistent. Special consideration given to candidates willing to ignore competitive threat posed by discount rivals. Applicants now being accepted by all major airlines. Job Description: Online copywriter capable of crafting misleading and false pitches to a gullible public. We hope you have what it takes to come up with clever ways to spell drug names so that computer filters will miss them. Example: vi*ag*ra. Psychology background helpful in targeting areas of greatest human insecurity, such as the male fear of anatomical inadequacy. Scare tactics encouraged. Example: "Satisfy your woman before someone else does." Applicant must also be able to convince the unsuspecting elderly that, after a $5,000 tax deposit, they will be sent the $1 million just won in the International Lottery. Finally, must be able to come up with implausible names for e-mail senders, such as Hugo Noyyebib, Rayford Markette or Efrain Olrich. A terrific growth career. Please contact Spam Inc. Job Description: Another challenging PR job offered by above-referenced family-owned entertainment business. Looking for exec able to advise client that when arriving at court for trial on child-molestation charges, it is recommended that client wear something other than pajama bottoms. Please contact Jackson family.
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