September 20, 2005
Tuesday

Voiceover: "They get rich trafficking in human misery. They prey on the poor and the stupid and the immoral. Drug dealers? No, an even worse form of lowlife: daytime talk-show hosts. Today on 'Dr. Feel.' "

(Theme music plays. Camera pans hopeful crowd before settling on large bald man.)

Dr. Feel: "Today, we're talkin' about a social ill that infects our whole country. Whether you live in a small town or a big city, whether you're in a healthy relationship or one tainted by alcohol and abuse, whether you feel good about yourself or not, at some point you've watched daytime TV. Maybe you were unemployed or home sick with the flu, but you gave in to the talk-show temptation. Next thing you know, you're watchin' some shriekin' trailer trash havin' a fistfight because somebody slept with the family goat. You know you watched it. Take responsibility for your actions! You can't get anywhere in life unless you own up to your own victimization!"

(Applause)

Dr. Feel: "Our first guest today is Montel. He's a striking man, might even have good advice to dispense. But he's addicted to discussin' other people's adultery."

Montel: "Wait a min -"

Dr. Feel: "Hang on there, Montel. Let me finish before you get your nose out of joint. Like we say down home, you can't chase the chickens with a sack over your head."

Montel: "Huh?"

Dr. Feel: "What are your qualifications, Montel? How come you don't have 'Doctor' in front of your name, like some of us?"

Montel: "You son of a -"

Dr. Feel: "Let me interrupt you there. I want to bring someone else into the conversation. Joinin' us now is Pat, a relative newcomer to daytime TV."

Pat: "Thanks. Good to be here. I've often -"

Dr. Feel: "Let me cut in there, Pat. Aren't you just another rich white guy who owned a professional sports franchise?"

Pat: "I'm an experienced motive -"

Dr. Feel: "How does that qualify you to give advice to everyday folks?"

Pat: "I feel I have a lot to offer -"

Dr. Feel: "Do you think people in this country mistake wealth for talent or ability?"

Pat: "I've never really -"

Dr. Feel: "What I'm sayin' here, Pat, and please let me finish before you go shootin' your mouth off, is this: Just because a fella's rich doesn't mean he's smart, right?"

Pat: "What are you -"

Dr. Feel: "I mean, heck, Saddam Hussein was worth billions, but I wouldn't want his advice on how to live!"

(Appreciative applause.)

Dr. Feel: "Our next guest is the daddy of 'em all when it comes to mockin' human suffering. Please give a warm welcome to Jerry!"

(Crazed hooting and whistling.)

Dr. Feel: "So, Jerry, do you ever feel guilty about taking advantage of the morons who trot out their personal problems on your show?"

Jerry: "I beg your pard-"

Dr. Feel: "Where do you find those losers, anyway? We need to get us some of those. Ha ha."

Jerry: "I, um -"

Dr. Feel: "You encourage your guests to fight, don't you, Jerry? C'mon, admit it. You provide foldin' chairs for 'em. You're the World Wrestling Federation of talk shows -"

Jerry stands, picks up chair and brains Dr. Feel.

(Theme music. Audience cheers while Pat and Montel take turns stomping Dr. Feel.)

Voiceover: "Tune in tomorrow when Dr. Feel comes to you live from a hospital suite! Nurse Glenda has a bad attitude because she's got no man in her life! Can Dr. Feel help her? Or will she inject him with an artery-clogging air bubble? Tomorrow, on 'Dr. Feel!' "

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