Column

January 26, 2016
Tuesday AM

Ketchikan, Alaska - A day just doesn't go by without an announcement that something I love causes cancer.

Bacon, butter, 120-ounce ribeye steaks, eggplant (just kidding).

Now of course it is soda. 12 ounces a day increases heart trouble risk by 23 percent, if you are Swedish (like those meatballs don't jack things up too).

At least those are the people in the study. Swedes. Thank goodness it wasn’t Norwegians, of which I am something like 1/256th . The lutefisk control group would be too large.

I'm starting to get the impression that everything worth consuming causes cancer. And it is also giving me a nasty suspicion that I may not get out of this world alive.

Of course, this new info comes on the heels of a story out of England in which Pepsi "killed" a 38-year-old woman.

Natch, that got my attention even though I don't drink Pepsi.

Coke has always been my drug of choice, something about that slightly burning aftertaste that has always appealed to me. In comparison, Pepsi is like drinking sugar water. Speaking of which, I wonder if anyone has checked with hummingbirds to see if excessive sugar water consumption causes them heart trouble.

What's that? They only live 3 or 4 years?

Maybe, they'd live longer if they didn't drink so much sugar water. Or stop beating their wings so danged fast.

Oh well, no chance of a long term survey on hummingbird health, so move along citizens, nothing to see here.

But I digress.

Anyhoo, this relatively young woman apparently Pepsied herself into an early grave despite the fact that "You've got a lot to live and Pepsi's got a lot to give."

Sorry about that, Chief. Just couldn't resist.

Of course anytime there is a clear causal effect between soda/pop/coke consumption and early death it gives me pause, because I have drunk a lot of soda/pop/coke over the years.

Once upon a time, I used to consume just about a six-pack a day. I have gradually cut back to around a soda a day or so, which would still be too much if I was Swedish.

Funny, you would think those tall, blond, absurdly good-looking bodies would be a lot sturdier.

I use the three names for soda/pop/coke because living in different parts of the country has taught me that different areas have different names for soda/pop/coke. In the west it is "pop" in the east it is "soda" and in the south "coke" even when isn't actually "Coca Cola."

I got into a tiff at the Atlanta airport once with a waitress who insisted that the root beer I ordered was a coke.

"You wanna a coke, honey?"

"Just a root beer, please."

"Yep, one coke."

"No, a root beer please."

A cloud of exasperation flooded her "Gone with the Wind" eyes.

"Yep, a coke. Y'all want a Dad's?"

"A Dad's what?"

Apparently they have a soft drink in the south called "Dad's."

Now, I'm pretty danged sure that any drink called "Dad's" in the South would actually be about sixty percent bourbon. In the same way that any drink called "Mom's" would be in a two gallon wine glass.

Speaking of which, I once heard a friend refer - within earshot of his toddler - to an adult beverage as "Daddy Juice."

Yeah, right! Let's have one of those "Daddy Mimosas" or "Daddy Bloody Mary's" shall we?

I'm not sure we're kidding our kids on that one!

Which also reminds me of the time a young woman told me it was okay to have a couple of drinks before breastfeeding. Primarily because it relaxed both her and her baby.

Uh no.

Although her child DID always had the most cheerful expression on his face. Just don't let him manipulate the fake steering wheel in the car seat.

Anyway, the waitress in Atlanta eventually brought me a Dr. Pepper. At least it wasn't an RC.

Actually, there is a fourth name for soda/pop/coke. When I lived in Bahstan lo those many years ago, I found that old timers called soda/pop/coke a "tahhhhnic" or tonic. Which of course led to some confusion if you wanted to order a "Gin and Tonic."

That said, there are a lot of confusing drinks back East. If you order a milk shake, you get milk and syrup. No ice cream. If you want ice cream in your milk shake, you need to order a "frappe."

Which sounds like what happens to your head if you order too many "Gin and Tonics," thinking you are getting "Gin and Tahhhnics."

But enough about that. Just the idea of an inadvertently soda splashed Gin and Tahhhnic gives me the heebie-jeebies.

At any rate, this British woman was "killed by Pepsi" according to the British tabloids so it must be true (unless of course the whole thing is a hoax planted by Coke).

Natch, a little digging showed that she had some other issues that were exacerbated by the fact that she was always thirsty and consumed about eight (8) litres of "Pepsi" a day.

Eight freaking litres!!

No wonder her kidney, liver, etc all, failed. She must have spent seven or eight hours a day in the loo.

Oh, and yes, she also consumed more than a litre of vodka every day. That's a lot of vodka, especially for someone who doesn't live in Russia.

Why then no "Woman killed by Vodka" headlines?

Because that isn't as eye grabbing. Many, many people are killed by vodka every day. In Russia it has its own column on death certificates.

Right next to "Disagreed with Putin."

So this woman drank a reservoir filled with Pepsi every day and eventually died. So she was "killed" by Pepsi. Go figure.

As always, everything in moderation.

Of course, all this typing has made me very thirsty.

I could really use a soda/pop/coke.

I’d ask for a “tahhhhnic” but we know how that would all turn out.

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