 Column - Commentary Filling the Great Sports TV Void of 2020By DAVE KIFFERMay 09, 2020
You have no idea how long I have wanted to write that! It makes me feel like such a modern communicator! Everyone knows that to be a 21st Century Winston Churchill or FDR you need to post early and often!! And then edit your original posts to make the respondees look primo foolish!
Anyway, this is from a recent Facebook post. And, yes, is has been "adapted" to make me look really clever! (but no, I didn't edits the responses!) Me It's getting bad, I can't even watch the old baseball, football and basketball "greatest games" anymore. Now I have to watch the sports that even I couldn't watch the first time because they were too boring. "Closest to the Pin Frisbee Golf" and "Celebrity Senior Tour Bass Fishing." Oh the humanity..... Patient Reader #1 You haven't been enthralled with the sports commentary on marbles yet? Me No, but I just watched some yahoo on the ESPN Wide World of Covid commentate for 40 minutes on the SEC Regional Social Distancing Championships being held at a Tuscaloosa Walmart. Patient Reader #1 Hysterical! Me It truly was when the young lady who had had too many - bless her heart - buttermilk biscuits accidentally stumbled into Aisle 7 just as Contestant #3 (Radford T. Shiloh Jr.) careened out of the frozen food section. Whoa Nelly! Patient Reader #2 Try Rugby, a bit confusing at first but once you know the game you can get addicted. Go All Blacks!!! Me Liam and I were watching Northwest League Rugby on Root Sports the other night (clearly not the All Blacks or even the Springboks). It was hard not to break into fits of hysterical laughter over the way they lift that poor fool up to catch the throw in and then lower him into the scrum and beat the holy living crap out of him until he gives up the ball. Patient Reader #2 That maneuver is only in some professional leagues. The scrum is what I find the silliest. Me What I can't figure out is that sometimes the forward motion comes to complete stop and they sit there all scrummed up for something like 30 minutes, walloping each other in the privates over and over, then finally the ball squirts out and play continues. Other times the forward motion stops and they whistle the play dead and the other team gets the ball. I mean, pick a rule and stick to it. Otherwise it is too much like Parliament. Patient Reader #3 Ok today I watched game 6 of the 1977 World Series. Watch the end when the Yankees win and Reggie Jackson runs of the field. It’s insane! Me As Dodger fan, I have to disregard anything you said after "game 6 of the 1977 World Series." Patient Reader #3 If it makes you feel any better I just watched the entire Time Life soft rock infomercial and liked it. 150 soft rock favorites for only 5 payments of $26.99. Me But did you buy it? The "Air That I Breathe" bonus CD was what loosened up my credit card! Patient Reader #3 The Hollies! Love them. My wallet was in my purse way in the other side of the house. Social distancing from the credit card is a good thing. Me I have found that wearing my mask indoors helps me social distance from the snack cupboard. At least temporarily. Patient Reader #4 Ya, rugby is great. But I also watched some east coast Pony League baseball, 13 and 14 year olds. Seems like I finally scraped out the bottom of the barrel. It can only get better Me I was so disappointed when, years ago, I found out there were no actual ponies in Pony League. I really thought it was polo with bases. Patient Reader #5 Watch sports movies: For the Love of the Game, Trouble with the Curve, The Natural... Me I would, except for the past 500 years, I have been watching those same movies on the MLB Network just about every night in the offseason. Love "Mr Baseball" because it's Tom Selleck in Japan and hate "The Sandlot" because I can't believe ANYONE would be stupid enough to play with a Babe Ruth signed baseball. Oh, yeah, "Little Big League" is also fun because who doesn't love a 12-year-old manager. And of course, I will always drop everything to watch "Bull Durham," "A League of Their Own" and "Field of Dreams." Patient Reader #6 Maybe they televise Pinball? Me Personally, I find Pachinko more compelling television. The sentimental back stories behind the individual steel balls always cause me to puddle up. Patient Reader #7 You may have to hit up "The Real Housewives'." ME I'm still waiting for "The Real Groupies of Wrigley Field." Patient Reader #8 I have taken to purchasing puzzles at your wife’s store. We complain all the way through the puzzle, until the very end, that there’s pieces missing. There isn’t. But the constant angst until the end sustains us. No, really it’s fun. It’s not exactly a Mariners game, but oh well. Me In our family, there really was a missing piece. When no one was looking my Dad (who loudly trash talked - from his cheap seats in the right field sofa - anyone he saw crossword puzzling) would stick a piece in his shirt pocket and wait until he saw us looking under all the furniture for it. Then he would triumphantly "finish" the puzzle. I can't believe my Mom didn't divorce him. BTW every time I watch a Mariner's game I have the distinct impression there are A LOT of "pieces" missing. Patient Reader #9 My “sports” needs are met by watching dog agility competitions! Me I watched the Westminster Rump Whiffing Championships last night at 3 am. Patient Reader #10 I saw a clip of a belly flopping competition...I could totally get into that! Me I have always thought that WWE Smackdown would be so much better if they just took turns leaping off the ropes into undersized kiddie pools. Patient Reader #11 I took to watching some "stuff" on FXsports or one of the ESPNs that I would have never watched, so it was new to me. I saw the US junior rock/wall climbing championships, the Mecum auto auction, and an early round of the US dressage tournament. I know...I know... Me The Playboy Channel has been airing an "Undressage Tournament" or so I have been told.... Patient Reader #12 Turn off your TV, quit complaining and do something creative!!!! Me Well, that's all the time we have today, boys and girls!!!! Although you probably still have two really great questions to ask. 1) How is it that that that Dave Kiffer is so danged clever? And 2) how does he expect us to believe that even 12 people actually take the time to read his drivel? We'll get to those next time. Thank you so for tuning into Quarantine Finals of "As the Covid Turns."
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Contact Dave at dave@sitnews.us Dave Kiffer is a freelance
writer living in Ketchikan, Alaska.
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