 Column - Commentary Citius, Altius, Delugious!By DAVE KIFFERAugust 14, 2021
Actually, I just read that the Beijing Winter Olympics are starting in six months. I. Am. So. Confused. At any rate, I think I was one of only two people (based on the Nielson ratings) who actually managed to watch all the coverage on NBC's various "platforms." Well, not entirely, there were some weird ones that were being posted directly into people's brains via hoof and mouth vaccinations that I decided to pass on (equestrian events are not my thing, see below). But I got nearly all the rest! Speaking of which, just what the Hokkaido Heck is a "platform?" I always thought it was a raised level surface. Or the declared policy of a political group. Apparently now it has something to do with broadcasting. Kind of in the same way that news organizations no longer talk about stories and news, they talk about "content." Anyway, the "content" now comes in "platforms." I hope they are not as rickety as platform shoes. Used to fall off those all the time in the 1970s. Ah well, this modern media world gives me a heck-ache sometimes. But I digress. Following the Olympics on all the various "platforms" was a lonely trek this year. At times I felt as if it was just me and Simone Biles. She was on all the "platforms" all the time. Clearly NBC forgot there were 11,090 other athletes in Tokyo. Which is probably just as well. How many hundreds of other "platforms" would they have needed to cover THEM. From the puzzling (Horse Dancing) to the weird (triple jump) to the cool (speed wall climbing) there seemed to be something for every "platform" out there. And, my gosh, there were such incredible feats of athletic derring-do to behold. Some of these folks (not the horse dancing ones) were just incredible athletic specimens. Of course, that got me thinking, what about an Olympics for the average Joe or Jane? You know "a festivus for the rest of us" ala Seinfeld. Or perhaps we should call it a,"competitus for the rest of us." During the games Bill Murray tweeted that we don't really understand how hard these events are, so we need to have a "regular" person compete - and fail horribly - in each event so we would have "perspective." Or at least in the "speed" events instead of a line show the world record "pace," we could have a line far, far, far behind the contestants showing Billy-Bob Six Pack's "pace." That would be fun. Just like watching the Canadian Olympic Coverage when I was young. It was the only live sports we got in those days, back in the 1960s. There would be a race and an American and a Soviet would be dueling right up to the end and then the coverage would jump back to Bob MacKenzie who had just set a new "Canadian Record" while finishing in 12th place. We never would find out who "won." But I digress, again I think we should go a step further. Let's just have a few "regular" events. You know events that celebrate the quotidian (look it up) of life here in Our Fair Salmon City. Here are some possible additions if and when the Olympics ever come to Southern Southeast Alaska. 100 Expletive Dash - You start driving at one end of town and see how far you can get before an "expletive" pops out of your mouth at the pedestrians or other drivers. Seems simple, no? I can usually make it about two and a half blocks. Artistic Rain Dancing - A combination of gymnastics and fencing. Watching the gymnasts' moves is cool, but what if they were doing the same "elements " out in "the elements," specifically a rain shower and each time a rain drop hit them they lost a point? Can Simone Biles - she's everywhere!!! - make it from the car to the grocery store without getting drenched? Let's find out! 30 meter Bag Lift - This one involves 100 pounds of plastic grocery bags and three flights of stairs. Also, to add a degree of difficulty, the participant must remove his or her house keys from his or her pants pocket and open the door without putting down the bags before the clock runs out. Good luck with that. Underwater Marathon - Seriously, because of the rainfall, we have some folks here who have been underwater their entire lives. The Olympics loves painful endurance contests like race walking, open water swimming and forcing people to sit through rhythmic gymnastics. This is a no (waterlogged) brainer. 400 Ingredient Substitution - Yes, I get that cooking events are not part of the Olympics, yet. But with cooking competition shows veritably bursting out our television sets like carnivorous souffles. it's only a matter of time. To Ketchikanize any cooking competition all you have to do is give the contestants a list of ingredients that are not available in Ketchikan. These days - when local stores can be perpetually out of such "hard-to-find" exotic ingredients as water, eggs and garlic - that list would be just about anything you could easily find in any grocery store not on Revillagigedo Island. Samon Senso - Martial arts are big thing in the Olympics: Judo, Karate, Taekwando. Next up, Samon Senso, which very-very-very loosely translates into "salmon wars." No, this doesn't involves rushing out in the open ocean and "corking" each other's seine nets to see who gets the most fish. This is a more time-honored Ketchikan form of martial combat. One on one. Mano a mano. Greco-Roman (only blows to the head and shoulders count). With matching frozen 11-pound salmon. May the freezer burn be with you. And if you absolutely must get your Olympic jollies by forcing an animal to perform unnatural acts (see Horse Dancing above). Then we need to show what true training skills are. The Halibut Hop. Seriously, anyone can make a horse do a flying change or a piaffe, but making a Halibut do the same movements? Nearly Impossible! Especially considering the halibut has no legs or feet. So, let's get on this Ketchikan! Citius, Altius, Delugious!
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Contact Dave at dave@sitnews.us Dave Kiffer is a freelance
writer living in Ketchikan, Alaska.
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