Column - Commentary

August 16, 2020
Sunday PM

Ketchikan, Alaska - It seems like every 4.5 seconds one of my Facebook friends posts some sort of 'questionnaire' that is designed to elicit (hmm, I almost typed 'illicit,' Freudian slip?) information that establishes ones 'local lifer' bona fides.

Either that or it is some Nigerian-Ukrainian Superbot that is trolling our lives for the information that can be used to suss out our most secret passwords by gleaning info that only we would know. 

If fact, that actually makes more sense because anyone who has lived here more than 15 minutes already knows everyone else's deepest, darkest secrets because that is what Ketchikan is all about.

If you spilled milk on the floor at Log Cabin Grocery in 1968, we know.

If you set fire to the lights in Social Studies class, we know.

If you accidently dated your third cousin in junior high, we know.

Our ability to survive on this claustrophobic rain-rock we call home is predicated on having that information.

It is called MAD or Mutually Assured Dissemination.

If anyone even thinks about threatening anyone else on the rock, they are faced with having all their dirty laundry immediately aired. Of course, you ask, if everyone else already knows, what difference does it make? Ketchikan is all about keeping up appearances. Even if I know that you know that I know that you know something I need to be able to pretend that you don't.

But, as usual, I digress.

Anyway, here is a recent response I came up with in taking one of those life questionaires (ever get a tattoo, ever ski dive, ever go skinny dipping!) and making it a little more K-Town Centric.

Sledded down Madison Street – Yes
Crashed into Madison Hardware – Yes
Successfully ran away from the KPD – Yes
Unsuccessfully ran away from the KPD – Yes
Caught a king salmon – Yes
Caught the bottom – Yes
Helped a tourist – Yes
Lied to a tourist – Yes
Bought something at the Beachcomber - yes
Bought something inappropriate at the Beachcomber – yes
Sold something inappropriate to a tourist – Yes
Complained about the rain – Yes
Complained about it not raining – Yes
Complained about the birds singing at 3 am – Yes
Complained about barflies singing at 3 am - Yes
Been a barfly singing at 3 am - Yes
Chased a bear out of the driveway – Yes
Was chased by a bear (anywhere) – Yes
Climbed a tree to evade a bear - Yes
Climbed a tree to evade a parent - Yes
Thought a deer and its fawns were cute - Yes
Cursed a deer and its fawns for eating your flowers - Yes
Drove way out the road just watch some whales go by - Yes
Drove way out the road and missed the whales go by - Yes
Rode a bicycle down Washington Street at top speed – Yes
Regretted riding a bicycle down Washington at top speed - Yes
Watched Kayhi play Juneau in basketball – Yes
Watched Kayhi beat Juneau in basketball - Yes
Watched "Kayhi" lose to Schoenbar in basketball - Yes
Tried to help an eagle that was floundering in the water – Yes
Regretted trying to help an eagle floundering in the water – Yes
Cursed the grader for not plowing your street – Yes
Cursed the grader for plowing the snow into your driveway – Yes
Walked four blocks uphill to the high school in the snow – Yes
Walked four blocks uphill to the high school (both ways) in the snow – Yes
Drove a car backwards through the tunnel - Yes
Drove a car backwards the right direction through the tunnel - Yes
Gunned the engine and roared through the tunnel - Yes
Cursed people "roaring" through the tunnel as you slept nearby - Yes
Swam in the "pond" at Bugge Beach - Yes
Got out of the "pond" at Bugge Beach because some other kid peed - Yes
Climbed Deer Mountain in the rain - Yes
Climbed Deer Mountain in the rain - Yes
Climbed Deer Mountain in the rain - Yes
Played tennis in the rain - Yes
Went to kindergarten next to a bar - Yes
Met Dad at the bar after kindergarten - Yes
Moved away from Ketchikan - Yes
Moved back to Ketchikan - Yes
Moved away again from Ketchikan - Yes
Moved back again to Ketchikan - Yes
Searched for coins in the sawdust at the Frontier Saloon - Yes
Found a condom (unopened) in the sawdust at the Frontier - Yes
Rode a Shetland pony at the Settje "ranch" - Yes
Cleaned up after a Shetland pony at the Settje "ranch" - Yes
Snuck into the Shamrock but was too young to understand what was going on - Yes
Grew up thinking you were related to "everyone" at the Potlatch - Yes
Loved going through the car wash at the pulp mill over and over and over -  Yes
Drove your Dad crazy making him go through the pulp mill car wash over and over and over - Yes

There, that ought to keep the Nigerian-Ukrainian Superbot busy for a while.

Of course, your definitions of "Ketchikanitude" may be different than mine. I never went on a survival trip (life with my father WAS a survival trip) and I didn't go to junior high school in a mall. How lucky for you.

On the Web:

More Columns by Dave Kiffer

Historical Feature Stories by Dave Kiffer

Representations of fact and opinions in comments posted are solely those of the individual posters and do not represent the opinions of Sitnews.

SitNews ©2020
Stories In The News
Ketchikan, Alaska

Articles & photographs that appear in SitNews are protected by copyright and may not be reprinted without written permission from and payment of any required fees to the proper sources. E-mail your news & photos to editor@sitnews.us Photographers choosing to submit photographs for publication to SitNews are in doing so granting their permission for publication and for archiving. SitNews does not sell photographs. All requests for purchasing a photograph will be emailed to the photographer.