So It Goes
Perfect World
by Jason Love
May 05, 2006
Friday AM
In case you didn't notice, the world is not a perfect place.
There's war, pollution, hunger, injustice, and of course Anna
Nicole Smith. Even little things don't make sense: rush hour
traffic not going anywhere, boxing at the Goodwill Games, DVDs
showing us highlights of movies THAT WE'RE ABOUT TO WATCH.
One night, after being flagrantly
overserved by a bartender, I scribbled on cocktail napkins a
list of world improvements. First I called it "If I Were
God," then, as the beer wore on, "What Happened to
My Childhood" and finally "Gibbledy Gobbledy Goo."
We'll stick with the editor-friendly,
"In a Perfect World." The unabridged list is swirling
above a local landfill, but here are some napkins that survived
the ride home.
Ahem.
In a perfect world...
- pug dogs would have a reasonable
amount of skin on their face.
- boot would rhyme with foot.
- we'd get paid for the time
we spend preparing for, commuting to, talking about, and unwinding
from work.
- radio stations would keep
their contest money and play some bloody music.
- all of a woman's issues could
be fixed with WD-40 and duct tape.
- answering machines would come
with a get-to-the-point button.
- when leaders go bad, they
would mottle like bananas.
- athletes would retire only
once.
- traffic lights would change
when we honk at them.
- O.J. Simpson would have married
Lorena Bobbitt.
- priests who hear confessions
would get paid the same as shrinks.
- the brightness control on
our TV would turn up the intelligence.
- if an officer has to tackle
the suspect to make an arrest, he would be entitled to three
free punches.
- when people graduate high
school, they'd also graduate high school mentality.
- when teams lose on Fan Appreciation
Day, everyone would get their money back.
- lawyers would speak a language
that humans can understand.
- walkie-talkie cell phones
would exist only in hell.
- sick days would include when
you're sick of work.
- weight gain would be caused
not by food but by some undelicious thing like televangelism.
- the Meyers would get together
with the Myers and settle the spelling once and for all.
- every driver would understand
the Merge Concept.
- we could surgically remove
that part of our brain that plays the same snippet of music over
and over and over.
- everyone would die on their
one-hundredth birthday while having sex.
But the world is not perfect,
so we have storms and train wrecks and Anna Nicole Smith, left
to wonder about a God who would have it this way. It would be
too much to handle but for a gift from this same Creator, something
to take away the anguish and put the whole world back in perspective.
And that is lots of beer.
So it goes.
Contact Jason Love
at mail@jasonlove.com
Copyright 2005 Jason
Love All Rights Reserved.
Distributed exclusively by JasonLove.com
to subscribers for publication.
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