Columns - Commentary
Jason
Love: Aging
- I'm at that age where things are starting to fall apart. Doctor
Lynn said that my warranty must have expired.
I won't give my age for religious
reasons, but let's just say that my pants are up around the navel.
That's how you can tell a man's age: The beltline starts in adolescence
around your knees and creeps ever upward until the paramedics
finally pull the pants over your head and pronounce you dead.
Memory is also on the skids.
Have you ever walked into a room and forgotten why you were there?
I took it to the next level...
"Why the hell am I in
Target?"
I wanted to ask a clerk, but
they're never helpful that way. I shopped for two hours and still
don't know if I got what I needed. So it goes.
My grandpa reached the age
where you stop caring altogether...
"Grandpa, will you pass
the yams? The yams? THE YAMS."
Oh, he heard us just fine;
grandpa had simply moved on from passing yams. He also backed
into traffic without a peek, figuring that he had lived so long
he must be invincible.
I'm not there yet, but my math
has gone from a B in trigonometry to this: Save $2.15 on four
cans of tuna ... Four goes into ... Something cents per ounce
... Do I really NEED tuna?
Math loss comes from having
too much stuff in our heads. By middle age, math is squeezed
out by user names, passwords, credit cards, PIN codes, bank accounts,
phone, fax, cell, pager, lyrics to songs we don't even like!
Some say a child is born the
moment it's conceived, but I beg to differ: Can you imagine tacking
nine months on to your age?
When I was growing up, guys
wanted to look like Robert Redford. Now we're all trying not
to look like Robert Redford. Sure, wrinkles make you look distinguished
-- FROM YOUNG PEOPLE. - More...
Monday - April 23, 2007
Tom
Purcell: Distressed
American Sensibility - I will be 45 this week
and it's official: I have turned into my father.
The world makes less sense
to me every day. My fellow man puzzles me more every day.
I cite exhibit A: crappy stone
walls. I know a woman who paid $10,000 to have a small stone
retaining wall built along her driveway.
Now I used to be a stonemason
-- I rebuilt close to 200 such walls during my high school and
college years -- and I was shocked to learn that hers was a new
wall. It was buckling and full of gaps. Not one stone was properly
cut or faced.
It's the latest craze, she
told me -- walls that have an old, authentic look. This is because
people suddenly want the outside of their homes to look as "distressed"
as the inside.
"Distressed furniture"
is the latest trend in interior design. People are buying brand-new
tables and dressers, bringing them into their garages, kicking
and scratching them, then covering them in a lumpy, flaky paint.
- More...
Monday - April 23, 2007
Steve
Brewer: Tackling
the repository of stuff - Somewhere in your home - spare
bedroom, attic, basement, garage - is the Repository of Stuff
We Don't Use Anymore.
It's a mystical place of letter
sweaters and souvenir ashtrays, baby clothes and broken crockery,
Magic Eight-Balls and eight-track tapes, outgrown toys and outmoded
phones and old jeans that will fit again after we drop 20 pounds
(yeah, right).
Once in a blue moon, someone
in your household will feel compelled to clean out this accumulated
detritus. We could make better use of that space, the thinking
goes, and we'll never, ever need this stuff again. Why not get
rid of it?
This is an admirable ambition,
but, as with so many things, it's easier said than done. Parting
with your old stuff is a hard, dirty job that requires elbow
grease, grit and resolve. Not to mention backache medication
and frequent hot showers and, quite possibly, an expensive divorce.
At our house, the Repository
of Unused Stuff was in our three-car garage. I don't want to
say how much dusty stuff we had piled up, but there was barely
room for two vehicles. You do the math. - More...
Monday - April 23, 2007
Dale
McFeatters: Bad
neighbors make for good fences - The U.S. government, goaded
by Congress, has made many demands of the Iraqi government, and
now the Iraqi government, in the person of Prime Minister Nouri
al-Maliki, has made one of its own. He has demanded that the
United States halt construction of a three-mile wall to surround
a Sunni neighborhood to protect it from adjacent Shiites.
The enclosure is one of at
least 10 planned as part of the nearly 3-month-old security crackdown.
U.S. forces call them "gated communities," but the
walls are dreary Jersey barriers and 12-foot-tall cement slabs.
Al-Maliki's office says the
walls will further divide an already bitterly divided nation.
The prime minister issued his order while on a tour of surrounding
nations, and the confusion surrounding it makes you wonder how
much he is in touch with what's going on in his own capital.
According to the Associated
Press, Iraq's chief military spokesman said that al-Maliki was
responding to exaggerated reports and that the barrier-building
would continue. However, the U.S. ambassador said the American
forces would respect the prime minister's wishes. - More...
Monday - April 23, 2007
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