January 14, 2006
Saturday

It is the beginning of the new year, and typically the time for ink-stained wretches to trot out the tried but true ye olde predictions piece. The wretches who don't resort to trotting out the trite-but-true ye olde resolutions piece that is. Being the average traditionalist wretch with great respect for heritage that I am, (especially lacking any other fertile ideas whatsoever). I am proud to honor this revered journalistic practice. Hence, I have your predictions for the new year right here. Resolutions will show up the next time I get stuck for other fresh and bright ideas. In other words, soon. Happy 2006 everybody.

IN THE YEAR 2006:

• I predict George W Bush will continue to cut programs to the poor and the old so that rich people can have more money. I also predict that through a series of tragic financial reversals, the 43rd president will die both poor and old. Because that's the way God would want it.
• I predict Tom DeLay will lose his Houston Congressional race to Conservative Democrat Nick Lampson who lost his seat in 04 due to DeLay's redistricting scheme, because that's also the way God would want it.
• I predict this administration will break more laws, then conduct investigations into who told the press about the broke laws instead of investigating crimes being broken. Like blaming Toto for the Wizard of Oz's incompetence.
• I predict Paris Hilton will hold a press conference to which no one will come and she will wither away like autumn leaves crushed by the tires of an 18 wheeler blown away in a brisk breeze.
• I predict Dick Cheney's face will freeze like that.
• I predict technology will become so user-friendly that geeks will go back to being nerds.
• I predict air travel will become less user friendly to the point that certain discount seats require pedaling.
• I predict the San Francisco Giants will win the World Series, but in lieu of going to Disneyland afterwards, Barry Bonds, the MVP, will instead be whisked straight away to a retirement village for a series of recuperative salt baths.
• I predict Bill Gates will develop a donor recipient software program that makes himself obsolete.
• I predict that Iraq will have so many elections this year, that voter turnout will drop to levels normally seen in North Dakota during force-five blizzards.
• I predict Tom Cruise will lose another debate on "The Today Show," this time to Katie Couric's assistant makup artist.
• I predict that during a stump speech in upstate New York, gubernatorial candidate Donald Trump's hair will be wind-whipped into the shape of a sail whisking him airborne into a mall parking lot in suburban Vermont.
• I predict that lobbyist Jack Abramoff's squealings will bring down so many members of Congress that the 2007 Freshman Congressional House class will be known as The Abramoff Babies.
• I predict Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will move so far to the left in his attempt to mend fences with California voters that Fidel Castro will denounce him as a socialist tool.
• I predict that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld will engage in a bout of such verbal gobbledygook he will confuse himself and finally be forced to give a straight answer.

Political Comic Will Durst wants to buy Donald Rumsfeld's verbal gymnastics workout plan.

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