Sawbucked to DeathBy Will Durst April 04, 2014
Solicitations. Donations. Hand- outs. Charges. Taxes. Commissions. Percentages. Invoices. Expenses. Billings. Licenses. Permits. Compensatory Remunerations. Honorariums. Balance due. Ante ups. Shipping fees. Handling fees. Entrance fees. Exit fees. The way we're getting nickel and dimed from every angle is like being nibbled to death by ducks.
Debit Card Fees
Banks used to reward people for handling their money, not anymore. Now customers pay for everything. There's a charge for using a teller. There's a charge for not using a teller. There's a charge for telling the teller where to stick the charge. Airlines have figured out how to make money off of food, blankets, legroom, checked bags, aisle seats, in- flight entertainment and it's only a matter of time before the bathrooms, seat belts and oxygen masks require prepaid activation codes. "Oxygenated air or non- oxygenated air?"
Airline Fees
Microsoft and Adobe have moved to a subscription model. Netflix is 10 bucks a month. Third world orphan rescues cost 10 bucks a month. Dating services, cheap gyms, music apps- 10 bucks a month. Everybody wants 10 bucks a month. You know what: ten bucks here, ten bucks there. That stuff adds up. We've moved beyond nickel and dimed to death: this is more like sawbucked to death. There's a free trial period, but we need your credit card number for processing. And the expiration date. And the super secret code on the back. And your social security number. And your PIN number. And how many moles on your upper right thigh? And what time of the day is best for our Nigerian prince to contact you?
Arbitrary Hospital Fees
Even when you do buy something, you're immediately harassed into acquiring other useless stuff, no matter the location. Commercials at the checkout counter, gas station pump, in elevators, cabs, movies, ballgames. Ceiling screens at the dentist are next. Eventually our refrigerators will be sponsored and make suggestions. Until finally people are convinced to sell naming rights to their children. "Did you hear? Clear Channel Schultz is going out with Enron Nelson. It's a match made in heaven. And Texas." Speaking of which, we can definitely expect Hell to feature Geico commercials. Copyright 2014, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate to paid subscribers for publication. The New York Times says Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." E-mail your news &
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