ZombifiedBy Will Durst
June 09, 2014
Yes, the Zombie Apocalypse has materialized and we are it. Everywhere you look you find the deathlike trance-frozen faces of we necromantic slaves with twitching fingers, spending endless empty hours mesmerized by our tiny screens. An entire society that can't remember its own phone number, much less that of any significant other. Of course, compared to our magical phones, there are no significant others.
Text Messaging
The contagion has spread everywhere. Stall zombies in public rest rooms that hog the enclosed sanctum to play a quick round of Fruit Ninja. Or two. Nightlife zombies who ignore the jokes onstage so they can respond with multiple LOLs on their electronic leash. Tangentially ambulatory zombies who get into their car but refuse to leave parking spots until checking in with High Command. Vacation zombies who spend thousands of dollars to stare at their phones in distant exotic lands. And we zombies have proved desperate to swell our ranks. Zombifying others via slide presentations of cute cats cavorting. Even attempting to recruit potential zombie converts through such subhuman treatment as incessant shame and humiliation. "Seriously. That's your phone? Who made it: Daewoo? Is that the fabled rotary cell phone? Must be neat to have Teddy Roosevelt on your speed dial. Bet your roaming charges are huge. Play much 'snake' lately?"
Heart to heart
Dealing with the chronically anesthetized is exhausting. Who hasn't tired of politely turning after being addressed only to find it's some zombie in a suit on a Bluetooth talking to himself? But the worst are the suited Bluetoothed elevator zombies. Shut your piehole dirtwipe. Nobody here cares to know how many units need to be transferred to Topeka by Wednesday; we would pay good money to see some Topeka stuffed up your unit today. In order to contain this pandemic, the CDC should issue a directive that encourages the unzombified to punch Bluetoothed elevator zombies right in their ear. Hard. Multiple times. And when the stupefied ones wake from their narcoleptic slumber and turn with confused expressions, inform them that it was all in the interest of the greater good. A blow for the sake of civilization itself.
Copyright 2014, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate to paid subscribers for publication. The New York Times says Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." E-mail your news &
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